XI

a post for a girl I love

August 9, 2007
My Platonic Lover
rosy from pink wine
popularity in a box
this folly of a love
affair -I don't know him
I know you -you guess my words
without saying them for me
no private abuse
no need for pure tolerance
so we smoke too much
-cut down when time & finance allows

insults never made up in glory
but with you -I've never been happier
all my sorrow now disassociated
I hurt no more for you
that feels decades past
we laugh -eyes burn dry
to pleasant death
open ears to any hour

July 30, 2008
Love
in some & many ways
we are tarnished proportionally
assets rearranged
disassemble all too easy
scab & scar & wrenched in two

past the envy & bitter comebacks
arms & chins line up
fit snug
get past this creeping
hall of mirrors
shards at our callused feet

we so strong
fall hard & weep
only when the other
is near
in mind -in some unspoken abyss
we always fall
side by side

X

Long time no exceedingly long post.
Today was my last day at my s&m assistant/corporate training job.
I switch coasts in two nights from now. I've got giant piles of things to take with me & I have no idea if even 2/3rds will fit.
It's the last few days before take-off that bother me much more than the traveling. In my head, I'm already out the door. Living in limbo's sort of how I roll. Makes leaving hurt less, I guess. I also feel a bit heartless.
Less than 60 hours & then goodbye California for probably 9 months.

Feb. 12, 2008
W.W.W.W.W.H.
think long on it
how on earth to spell
thin with the i
as in In- the-in

why lose -not lOse (lOh se)
looz - loze
where's fo-netics when
they're needed?

& if she jumped
from the Golden
Gate -what time could
it av been
if she did she leave
her purse behind
did she where'd she leave
the note & if in
her purse -if left behind
a walk by picks up
abandoned pockabook
& if they'd open it
to find SuiCide NotE
where would it they it go?

(who edits obituaries?
good health benefits?)
clean up eulogy
tighten up our prayers

August 27, 2008
inspiration forgotten
in day are packed
with waiting for
tentative plans to
fall through again

air dry pours clogged
in sweat ears ring
big smiles -hide
from each other
in patchy darkness

summer closes up
shop & time is
tight -expendable
rude sonabitch
assumptions estimations

stare screen & empty
missed call & no message
holding petty grudges
shrugs & mind-slips
rub ill -private scowls

hourglass drips runs low
temp time world change
squeeze in
squeeze ever so tight
& slip slip slip away

IX

post-its and pocket notebooks

cloud watching-
plot-less melting
cartoons -sea
horse with a fluffy
heart -disembodied head
eating or vomiting -a map
of England -is that a
star or
another plane?
there're a lot
of old men in
the clouds

the cyclops threw
the whale -but
will he catch it?

----
Goodbye Tom Ucko. Ric Roi. Django -The Man I Love

"We like long relationships- especially with oil companies" -Boss about Chevron contract

how I hate your body
sitting down
so stand for me stand
lie down for me
lie there soft & shrunken
I see you as the child
from decades ago
video tapes & photo albums
stand down & hold your head
at that sweet angle
maybe we can make a deal

"The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on" -Catch-22 Joseph Heller p. 127

I blame Ellis Island for names like French, German, Ireland/Irish

"With that kind of experience, you could get a job at Kinko's!"

WILEY -Now You Know
-all our great brands
For Dummies
Betty Crocker
Pillsbury
Webster's New World
Pfeiffer
Cliff Notes

Tokyo Police Club -Cut Cut Paste
Sparks -Girl from Germany
Righteous Bros -Just Once In My Life
Replacements- We're Coming Out- Sixteen Blue

mouth tastes like
blood & chocolate
backspace/delete
align the lines
condense the file
coffee soaks in

red upside
we good
trippy/sexy
still wet

he's gone away-ayy
he's gona ah-weigh-eay
stuck in my head
& what does it mean to me
I've gone away-eayy
where the mass of
Y chromosomes
I keep in close circle
I fail in close contact
(he starts conversations
I strain conversation
after nearly 5 years)

how you keep so skinny
gurrhl -am I?
the relative world
plague of obesity
& bulem-anorex-IA
But I look a little
androgenous -no?
cut off my hips
& I go running
with the pack

5/24/08
wrecked a girl
who wrecked this man?
what can science do to
reverse a bungled first
love -we fuck each other
up -as if some kind of
revenge -& what seems
a gift you never received
yourself -may be what
makes the next one grumble
your name in retrospect
who started this mess?
what can be done?

life the universe & everything
(I can quote too)
must be more than a number
a shrink to make
the problems smaller
death to make me
stronger
tough it out, little lion
your roar don't shake mountains
not just yet

sure scattered
what college's for
when will we settle down
raise us a garden
of pretty painted pictures
love & lost so young
they grow up so fast
can't wipe his runny nose
forever
of all the madmen
I've had unmentioned dreams of
somehow this adds up
to a blurry web
graphs tempt me
but crushes of a dozen years
aren't as linear
as the points express

5/21/08
an age of homage
walking for my health
there are no stars
& songs just brush the surface
where do you sleep at night?
campus that's beautiful
half the time
got an ugly dry side
in these transition days
oh the places we've been
(I'll forget again tomorrow)

2/29/08 Leap Day
work 7pm -1am
-Renee inventory -eat brownie dough
-starts snowing again
-cig. break w/ Jes "Did you wish for this?"
-learn to clean grill
-"who picked this song?"
my ipod on shuffle
"I love danzig & the Misfits"
-off shift: finish weird
Doppleganger movie

7-5-08
well over a year since
1st (last) orgasm
is this misremembered?
& she chimes
find a Mr. O.K. -Mr.
great -a Mr. Right
eventually -he will appear
apparate into this life
& no apologies or snaps
will make her silent
or patience any less
frustrating
exercise is the answer
& the bike flies by
the field of
last (1st) orgasm
& the world shrinks

8/21/08
dry leaves of
California summer
broken rotting fruit
small sidewalks
step around
dog shit
fruit flies
duck or walk through
dipping tree branches
vines overflowing
from pretty picket
fences chain-link
peeling fresh white paint
bland architecture
the air smells of
manure and rosemary today

I'm a zombie-zombie-zombie-zombie-Zom-bie (3x)
but please don't kill me
cuz I won't eat chu

8/20/08
what manner of
reality is this
where questions must
always be answered
(a philosopher needs not
these replies)

in heaven
in reality suspension
what do your friends
your family
your long lost loves
see in you?
are only the dead up there?

VIII

from Curmudgeon collected by Jon Winokur

Optimism & Pessimism

The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.
-J. Robert Oppenheimer

I find nothing more depressing than optimism.
-Paul Fussel

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
-Elbert Hubbard

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
-Janeane Garofalo

The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser --in case you thought optimism was dead.
-Robert Brault

VII

April 2007
days are getting shorter as my
breath falls in time to
the body beside me
a grunt a snore a counter-top
we collide with the lights out
(with a shirt this tight, it
feels so good to breathe)

& I slide backwards
knew there'd be reasons for
skirts someday
this mouth does more than just inhale
as saliva drips spreads
across jugular veins
& lowered collars
buttons zipper clasps snaps undone
spilled elastic on tile floors

crushed eyes against my shoulder
losing pillows space to rest
my weary hips imagine future flesh
falling off couch cushions
inch after inch pushed away
pulled close needy finger tips
my head in his shoulder
six wavering inches over a short cliff
to sleep on slip off

curl up into over him
we speak softly: the only adults
in sight hidden beneath thin
blankets illusions a garbled i love
you soaked in silent clasped hands
murmur about separate plans near futures
inside jokes we share covers slightly
not an inch between my clothes are
so warm as his close breath
falls into rhythm his heartbeat still
pounds so loud so hard

VI

Bennington Prompting Winter 2006

describe yourself

I am obsessive, self-invasive and self-critical. I am alone a lot, sometimes because my love is unable to be ripped from the stars I stare at in wonder, other times when it seems that every conversation is unattainable. I am complicated, insane, overly analytical, often vague or metaphorical. I have yet to grow into my own skin. There are rare times when I feel comfortable. I am awkward and clever; confident enough to speak when spoken to or performing for an audience. I have trouble with strangers but once initial barriers are broken & childish thoughts of "do they like me" fade to after-thoughts, I am a very open person and test relationships frequently with odd humor and references to discover shared interests. I am not fond of basic lists that describe interests, rather the gradual opening of semi-secret loves. The process of getting to know someone is best practiced in pairs, not in sloppy groups where most knowledge is second hand or overheard.
Do I live in a different time than now? I am not lacking in imagination. I do lack in time and seem to continually project myself into the future, past or a storyline. I live in a fantasy world that shifts with each book I read, movie I watch or song I listen to. I don't think I could ever settle down. (I'd just like a home-base.)

V

So Chef is dead. Isaac Hayes. Age 65.
I saw him once. He played the Jazz Festival in my home town. The only reason why I volunteered to work at that yuppie-infested-destroyer-of-real-jazz festival was because that way I could see him live for free.
I sat in the back with two friends I don't talk to anymore and the one thing that really stuck with me was his banter before one song. Which song? I don't even know anymore. I do remember him repeatedly and slowly closing his hand in a fist & saying, "Phalanges..squeeze- phalanges...squeeze. Say it with me now, 'phalanges squeeze,'" as my friends and I cracked up in the back.
That was a strange weekend of 2005.

IV

Ever puke chocolate and fall asleep for two hours after watching Adam West Batman cartoons around 8am after being up all night?
No, because you're not me. Lucky you.

May 1, 2007
verminous bird
breaking up hard candy
on this brick path
must have such rosy sight
to think it must be
grain to feed screaming babies

they'll live longer
they'll live forever
on a sugar rush

Jan 31, 2008
i spy
see now I kin sees
late nite bus lites
off

kin see them
shade-ee folks
dawdlin on thee steet
but chu don
sees me do
yah

III

On the fourth day of working 9-5, there was no way I was gonna get anything done.

Result:

Real names from corporate jobs

Maggie Flurry, Brent Kobayashi, Blake McHenry, Bonny McLoud
decided I love Mc names- McAlister, McBride, McCabe, McClane, McCool, McCormack, McDermott, McDougle, McElhiney, McEwin, McFarland, McGill, McGinley, McGinnis, McGowan, McKay, McKean, McKenzie, McKinney, McMaster, McMillan, McNair, McNaulty, McNew, McNickle...
Grace Merchant, Doty Middlebrook, Marie Mine, Angela Mong, Mario Murillo, Rebecca Nation
Dreux Nugent is a tool
Brigit O'Brien, Maggie O'Connor, Patrick O'Hara, Pat O'Leary -I love the Irish
Stephen Pavelick, Lauri Petrolli, Tim Pomeroy, Marica Pugsley, Audrey Quackenbush, Maia Rabinov, Rachel Rachel, Les Real, Greg Redekopp, Juergen Rottler, Johnnie Rush, TJ Rzeszotarski, Amy Savage, Marc Schmucker
names can be sentences: James Settles, Sally Shine, Debbie Shotwell
Gay Spivey, Darwin Spring, Jo Stoner
Mary Stumpf- what a dull, blob-like name
Bertha Tamayo, Dhun Tellis, Mary Jane Thome, Looh Ting, Ann Tisthammer, Thomas Trick Sr., Tonya Tucker-Jenkins, Julie Tyger, Ernie Urquhart, Cary Valentine
TonyDan Veenstra- last name like a medication
Lisa Vertue (is a virgin), Raghu Viswanathan
Waltman. Watchmaker.
Janice Waud Loper, Gwen Weld, Leiala Whattoff, Jeff Whynot, Greg Wildman, Rod Wisdom, Buzz Wolf, Nellie Wulzen, Gamon Yaklich & Tammy Zink

After lunch, I made a playlist & stared at the wall a lot.

II

Summer Job

Hi
Katari from Sonoma Learning Systems
You shoulda received Friday5s in inbox on Friday morning
Calling follow-up
Got it yet?
If not, let us know
(email, or phone 7*7-933-388*)
If questions
Can resend email with explanation of process
Robots robots robots robots robots robots robots robots robots robots
robots robots robots robots robots
Robots
Robots robots
Red line robots
Word doesn’t believe in repeats
I’m getting paid to finish projects too quickly
The more projects I finish, the more mindless the projects become
Getting to the back back back burner projects
No one
But me
Has the time to do
& then i sit
wait
brain leakage tired coffee addict
god god god- where does the time go?

I

This isn't my first blog. At this point, I figure that one got eaten by some cyberspace pirates.

For future reference, I Touched The Socket will be an outlet for my artwork, writing, catchphrases, the occasional invention and in all likelihood, brief snippets of my actual life.

Samples.
"He's just so 'earlier than thou-' he's heard of every band, book & movie long before anyone else."

July 28, 2008
I arrived
traveled 700 miles before
you'd opened your crusted eyes
with a head cold
you can taste the ash
the dead skin in the air
who's DNA is that
sinking in your lungs today?

I arrived
crawling into bed
with a water bottle
& glazed eyes
what haunted galaxy
did we crash land in
& return ever-so-safely

I resign
to the fog in my guts
the storm in my head
forgive & forget
the hopeless urges
requests, plans and visions
while we fill our lungs
with your dead

I just started re-reading my little notebook of poems from last year- editing it like I used to edit my middle school diaries. Despite how insane/in love I was last February through, well, August, there're some poems in there that depict those forgotten feelings more sharply and honestly than I'd remembered.
April 17, 2007 (con)sequence
even as we lie here
skin to skin inside out
I can feel the distance
the lack of intimacy
my back arches I think I
will cry in retrospect one
cold morning fetal with no
one to be my blanket

I brush my teeth & still
taste your sour skin
scouring the sweat off
under running water

Well, the sun is setting so I'm going to go for a bike ride.
'Til next time.

-Katari