inspired by tisha

so, i haven't even looked at this site for a while, but finally i think i have something to vent about.
i'm working on quitting smoking.
not sure how permanent it's going to be or exactly why i decided to stop now. i've cut down to three a day now, which is harder than i thought it would be. i really don't know what's keeping me from just saying "fuck it, i'll have one" right now except i promised myself i wouldn't -at least not until after midnight when it carries over to the next day so i'll only let myself have two during the day & one after midnight again. i'm very glad i didn't just go cold turkey, though. if i were home, it would have been easier 'cause everyone knows me & it wouldn't be as bad -though i'm sure my parents would've gotten pissed with me, but they've been through it themselves.

so i've got a plan.
all this week, 3 cigarettes a day while i'm living with my Uncle & am allowed to smoke in the basement & have rather little to do. so it's a little rough.
next week, it's down to 2 a day while my plans are iffy
after that, it'll be down to one a day until my packs run out.

I started smoking when I was sixteen: before my first kiss, after my last role in a play, however counter-intuitive that may seem. Three years. It sounds like a lot and nothing at the same time. I've never smoked a whole pack in a day and have only smoked more than half a pack in a day under more stressful times, you know, like finals or a busy day.

Wish me luck.

November 4, 2008 11pm and on

smiling
crying to sleep
what bitterness can be held
O joy
O Whitman
O America
you reawaken
a pride in me
The world weeps with
joy for thee
in this night
avoiding fatal plunders
O bless thee
America this night

We Explode
applause exclamations
of wonder
What I waited
impatiently for
The Adrenaline unmatched
unselfish unrepentant

In tight warm hugs
The Weight Lifts
with my feet
in the spin
This glorious global flotation
we hold we spin we sing
for thee, America

This century of terror
apathy degradation
the sinking National Pride
U-S-A in parody
I Love America in irony
the world wept
at Our stupidity
reacted in violence
against Us, Alies
We lost
We lost
and disassociated
Ourselves from
self-serving blundering
now Lame Duck
Administration

We Rise
stand on chairs
sobbing screaming
America would not
could not
surrender to failure
Not again
It's a Landslide
It's a resounding cheer
America

My skin crawls
in exhalation
The world shouts in awe
O America
Not Red
Not Blue
We blend combine
Make right injustice
soon
Soon -in hope
In Change
Unite
America

XXI

this little vacant lot
a grimace to wake to

dreaming excuses
explanations & petty jokes

it's a couple days from trying
couple days from cope

this smiling vacant lot
numbly mined & hallowed

XX

In Providence.
alternate universe?
well, i don't really know
is not my family
is not my sleep schedule
-is not my throat swelling
-my mild heart mildly twittering at distant thoughts
-is not my consumer wallet empty
is not my bed nor home nor
fight to concern myself with

the south side
the lovely rotten
skeptic faces & boarded-up buildings
trash lot parking church lot

the brown-green
un-funny overly irony
flannel glasses foreign language
politics narcissism nostaligia
the unheard mumbled voice
of the youth
of today
-laughingcrying WhyOhWhy

smiling sleep to siren wails
urban comfort
broken glass

economy tank & crowded malls
"the value of America's moral currency"

My Weekend In Providence, Rhode Island

XIX

I am a bit terrified.
I finally got the chance to watch the VP debate from last week -& I am terrified at what this country may become.
Obama runs under the banner of hope; well, I've had hopes crushed before in elections & I just don't know what I'd do this time around.
Americans can't be that stupid, can they? To even make sense of half of the basic sentence structures of Sarah Palin -the blatant lies and absolutisms thrown out by the McCain campaign.
All these years I hid from politics, I hid out the fear of America disappointing me time and time again. The climate -political, economic and social- in this world and this nation is horrifying.
I will not be able to sleep well for a long time, I know this.

XVIII

here's bitter, biting frustration:

Sept. 29
A Love Poem

it spans the world over
boys don't grow up
take near whatever
can get cheap
stomp out strings-attached

them boys that go for
boys -call me pretty
beautiful cute
them boys that go for
tail -look the other way
her starved torso
them boys that (may) go for
me -far away &/or impossible
to rationalize

say you got three girls
at your cal
say I'm anything you like
just not one of
them girls panting waiting for
any cool-eyed Y-chromosome
without a conscience
them girls immodest bowing to
the honor of sucking your
ungrateful dick
them girls desperately resigning to
following you in your unkempt
habits & taste
-----------------

today:

Oct. 8
adorable

heels click
vacant cynicism melts
to shouting streets
& blank rain checks

unexpected turn for
giddy fingertips
smiling staircase

mindless unapologetic
wanders
rain falls gentle
nonviolent coughs

teeth gleam 'neath
dark void of hair
eyes sparkle
-that sweet delicate
glow burns painless

an inside joke
everyone knows

XVII

man oh man. this has been such a stttttrrrange year.
it finally feels like it's taking a genuine up-swing, though.
i love being busy & making plans that work out or not planning, but being prepared & letting the night take me where it will.
i haven't written much poetry-wise in a little while, i think.
lemme check... yep. last one was a very bitter poem about romance.

on saturday night, among everything else that happened that day/night, I read one of my poems at Student Works. A large number of students and their parents, along with some members of faculty, attended. It was a bit terrifying, especially since the audience looked like a black void I was talking to.

Here's the poem I read:

July 10, 2008
wanna see

The Northern Lights
ground of green
The Emerald City in the Sky
The Aegean Sea
ruins of civilization
Alexandria of old
Zeus' scattered islands
The Fall of Rome
rose unto Catholic Empire
The Boroughs of London
The Boroughs of New York
The Cramped Housing
of New Delhi
Tokyo
Paris
Madrid
Rio de Janiero
The Spires of Communist Russia
The Shame of Germany
rebuilt Berlin
broken walls
smoldering Hamburg & Dresden
The Endless Sahara
the tombs it engulfs
The Busy Bustling Markets
of regenerated
& rejoicing Rwanda
Sudan
Kenya
Uganda
The Radiant not Irradiated
Bikini Islands
The Lush Unpoliced Mountains
of Free Tibet
The Gigantic Straw Goat
of Stockholm
up in flames again
The Lit Legal Cigar in my hands
before going to one of
the doctors on every Cuban corner
to be diagnosed with lung cancer
The New Knights of the Round Table
currently including
Sir Elton John
Sir Sean Connery
Sir Paul McCartney
The Vaults of the Swiss Bank
The Giggling Cafes of Amsterdam
The Unplundered Incan Home
The Palace of Blood and Bone
The Real Mount Doom
Mines of Moria
vast lands of Minos Tirith
The Pass Through Which
Hannibal hopes to
take elephants
The Beaches of Gun Shells
Oceans of the Ancients
avoiding the tourist traps
of postcards & t-shirts

XVI

September 7
don't try ver hard
thus fail no miserable
but fail sorry & silly
soft strange hopes a
rush through door passion

how could not?
confident(ial) boost
perty made up face
tied-on slipping down
scarf skirt

roun here s'all minute hopes
some brilliant light
at ease day
one by one
fall in hand-holds
rather thn finger brush

ooh - ooh - subtext
guess still new huh
days crawling & gone

& never work too hard
got boy smiles
no tips on
what purpose attraction
w/o physical interaction, no?
tolling & worn down
come around one day
matter of slow time

XV

screw california

who's call did'i'd miss
feelin' on comin'
winter thrill
shoulders slack'd n tense

none'd i'd miss'd
sense th' loss n hollow
fri'ndship fall
head sunken shivers

bin daze no touch
bed months no care-es
g'sebumps nitemares
calc-late pattern

reach out n touch fate
loosin' gripes
drop fast far
'fore even catch

been not full
fore weaks n
gone broked up?
;take solid come-fort

hole up n
spring squeakless
savin' up steam
for dam when burst

:here be drug up
trenches n shallow
ms'd da date
'versary long used

makin' no-sense
'nt blamin' thim dreams
pills er dr.s
problems of own

tact 2
in call
en th'
mournin'

(Roman Numeral)

I have not had maximum brain function for a few days now. I don't know what to do with myself.
Got a head injury on Saturday night & I've been sleeping at inopportune times, missing classes & have not been able to sit through other classes. Formulating sentences is difficult. Reading is... I just fall asleep half way through all my homework.

I don't know what to do but lie around & do nothing.
The medication they gave me makes me groggy, distracted and vacant. Without the medication I'm weak, distracted and bitter.

Just can't win. Why the fuck did I run into a window frame?

XIII

another college-level poem

9-10-08
academia
& we sit
we listen & note take
learn in increments
to be a novice
in any given field

disengage the senses
a degree and a chemical
addiction
or two
vocabulary expands in the
short term

courses are whispers
attentive humor
internal dialog discussion
in the distance
echoes & shuffling hands
rotating chairs clicking pens
wandering eyes

calm unfound in high schools
pretension mounting & squashed
anxious ambitious silence
we sink in doubt & debt

XII

college refresher course

what's your name again?
sure, don't remember mine
still a background fixture
the follow conversation
back & forth around the room

No sleeping
food makes us ill
free liquor
free gym

cheap friends

making bets on
which ones will last
to expand collapse rebuild
& continue

XI

a post for a girl I love

August 9, 2007
My Platonic Lover
rosy from pink wine
popularity in a box
this folly of a love
affair -I don't know him
I know you -you guess my words
without saying them for me
no private abuse
no need for pure tolerance
so we smoke too much
-cut down when time & finance allows

insults never made up in glory
but with you -I've never been happier
all my sorrow now disassociated
I hurt no more for you
that feels decades past
we laugh -eyes burn dry
to pleasant death
open ears to any hour

July 30, 2008
Love
in some & many ways
we are tarnished proportionally
assets rearranged
disassemble all too easy
scab & scar & wrenched in two

past the envy & bitter comebacks
arms & chins line up
fit snug
get past this creeping
hall of mirrors
shards at our callused feet

we so strong
fall hard & weep
only when the other
is near
in mind -in some unspoken abyss
we always fall
side by side

X

Long time no exceedingly long post.
Today was my last day at my s&m assistant/corporate training job.
I switch coasts in two nights from now. I've got giant piles of things to take with me & I have no idea if even 2/3rds will fit.
It's the last few days before take-off that bother me much more than the traveling. In my head, I'm already out the door. Living in limbo's sort of how I roll. Makes leaving hurt less, I guess. I also feel a bit heartless.
Less than 60 hours & then goodbye California for probably 9 months.

Feb. 12, 2008
W.W.W.W.W.H.
think long on it
how on earth to spell
thin with the i
as in In- the-in

why lose -not lOse (lOh se)
looz - loze
where's fo-netics when
they're needed?

& if she jumped
from the Golden
Gate -what time could
it av been
if she did she leave
her purse behind
did she where'd she leave
the note & if in
her purse -if left behind
a walk by picks up
abandoned pockabook
& if they'd open it
to find SuiCide NotE
where would it they it go?

(who edits obituaries?
good health benefits?)
clean up eulogy
tighten up our prayers

August 27, 2008
inspiration forgotten
in day are packed
with waiting for
tentative plans to
fall through again

air dry pours clogged
in sweat ears ring
big smiles -hide
from each other
in patchy darkness

summer closes up
shop & time is
tight -expendable
rude sonabitch
assumptions estimations

stare screen & empty
missed call & no message
holding petty grudges
shrugs & mind-slips
rub ill -private scowls

hourglass drips runs low
temp time world change
squeeze in
squeeze ever so tight
& slip slip slip away

IX

post-its and pocket notebooks

cloud watching-
plot-less melting
cartoons -sea
horse with a fluffy
heart -disembodied head
eating or vomiting -a map
of England -is that a
star or
another plane?
there're a lot
of old men in
the clouds

the cyclops threw
the whale -but
will he catch it?

----
Goodbye Tom Ucko. Ric Roi. Django -The Man I Love

"We like long relationships- especially with oil companies" -Boss about Chevron contract

how I hate your body
sitting down
so stand for me stand
lie down for me
lie there soft & shrunken
I see you as the child
from decades ago
video tapes & photo albums
stand down & hold your head
at that sweet angle
maybe we can make a deal

"The enemy is anybody who's going to get you killed, no matter which side he's on" -Catch-22 Joseph Heller p. 127

I blame Ellis Island for names like French, German, Ireland/Irish

"With that kind of experience, you could get a job at Kinko's!"

WILEY -Now You Know
-all our great brands
For Dummies
Betty Crocker
Pillsbury
Webster's New World
Pfeiffer
Cliff Notes

Tokyo Police Club -Cut Cut Paste
Sparks -Girl from Germany
Righteous Bros -Just Once In My Life
Replacements- We're Coming Out- Sixteen Blue

mouth tastes like
blood & chocolate
backspace/delete
align the lines
condense the file
coffee soaks in

red upside
we good
trippy/sexy
still wet

he's gone away-ayy
he's gona ah-weigh-eay
stuck in my head
& what does it mean to me
I've gone away-eayy
where the mass of
Y chromosomes
I keep in close circle
I fail in close contact
(he starts conversations
I strain conversation
after nearly 5 years)

how you keep so skinny
gurrhl -am I?
the relative world
plague of obesity
& bulem-anorex-IA
But I look a little
androgenous -no?
cut off my hips
& I go running
with the pack

5/24/08
wrecked a girl
who wrecked this man?
what can science do to
reverse a bungled first
love -we fuck each other
up -as if some kind of
revenge -& what seems
a gift you never received
yourself -may be what
makes the next one grumble
your name in retrospect
who started this mess?
what can be done?

life the universe & everything
(I can quote too)
must be more than a number
a shrink to make
the problems smaller
death to make me
stronger
tough it out, little lion
your roar don't shake mountains
not just yet

sure scattered
what college's for
when will we settle down
raise us a garden
of pretty painted pictures
love & lost so young
they grow up so fast
can't wipe his runny nose
forever
of all the madmen
I've had unmentioned dreams of
somehow this adds up
to a blurry web
graphs tempt me
but crushes of a dozen years
aren't as linear
as the points express

5/21/08
an age of homage
walking for my health
there are no stars
& songs just brush the surface
where do you sleep at night?
campus that's beautiful
half the time
got an ugly dry side
in these transition days
oh the places we've been
(I'll forget again tomorrow)

2/29/08 Leap Day
work 7pm -1am
-Renee inventory -eat brownie dough
-starts snowing again
-cig. break w/ Jes "Did you wish for this?"
-learn to clean grill
-"who picked this song?"
my ipod on shuffle
"I love danzig & the Misfits"
-off shift: finish weird
Doppleganger movie

7-5-08
well over a year since
1st (last) orgasm
is this misremembered?
& she chimes
find a Mr. O.K. -Mr.
great -a Mr. Right
eventually -he will appear
apparate into this life
& no apologies or snaps
will make her silent
or patience any less
frustrating
exercise is the answer
& the bike flies by
the field of
last (1st) orgasm
& the world shrinks

8/21/08
dry leaves of
California summer
broken rotting fruit
small sidewalks
step around
dog shit
fruit flies
duck or walk through
dipping tree branches
vines overflowing
from pretty picket
fences chain-link
peeling fresh white paint
bland architecture
the air smells of
manure and rosemary today

I'm a zombie-zombie-zombie-zombie-Zom-bie (3x)
but please don't kill me
cuz I won't eat chu

8/20/08
what manner of
reality is this
where questions must
always be answered
(a philosopher needs not
these replies)

in heaven
in reality suspension
what do your friends
your family
your long lost loves
see in you?
are only the dead up there?

VIII

from Curmudgeon collected by Jon Winokur

Optimism & Pessimism

The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.
-J. Robert Oppenheimer

I find nothing more depressing than optimism.
-Paul Fussel

A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.
-Elbert Hubbard

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
-Janeane Garofalo

The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser --in case you thought optimism was dead.
-Robert Brault

VII

April 2007
days are getting shorter as my
breath falls in time to
the body beside me
a grunt a snore a counter-top
we collide with the lights out
(with a shirt this tight, it
feels so good to breathe)

& I slide backwards
knew there'd be reasons for
skirts someday
this mouth does more than just inhale
as saliva drips spreads
across jugular veins
& lowered collars
buttons zipper clasps snaps undone
spilled elastic on tile floors

crushed eyes against my shoulder
losing pillows space to rest
my weary hips imagine future flesh
falling off couch cushions
inch after inch pushed away
pulled close needy finger tips
my head in his shoulder
six wavering inches over a short cliff
to sleep on slip off

curl up into over him
we speak softly: the only adults
in sight hidden beneath thin
blankets illusions a garbled i love
you soaked in silent clasped hands
murmur about separate plans near futures
inside jokes we share covers slightly
not an inch between my clothes are
so warm as his close breath
falls into rhythm his heartbeat still
pounds so loud so hard

VI

Bennington Prompting Winter 2006

describe yourself

I am obsessive, self-invasive and self-critical. I am alone a lot, sometimes because my love is unable to be ripped from the stars I stare at in wonder, other times when it seems that every conversation is unattainable. I am complicated, insane, overly analytical, often vague or metaphorical. I have yet to grow into my own skin. There are rare times when I feel comfortable. I am awkward and clever; confident enough to speak when spoken to or performing for an audience. I have trouble with strangers but once initial barriers are broken & childish thoughts of "do they like me" fade to after-thoughts, I am a very open person and test relationships frequently with odd humor and references to discover shared interests. I am not fond of basic lists that describe interests, rather the gradual opening of semi-secret loves. The process of getting to know someone is best practiced in pairs, not in sloppy groups where most knowledge is second hand or overheard.
Do I live in a different time than now? I am not lacking in imagination. I do lack in time and seem to continually project myself into the future, past or a storyline. I live in a fantasy world that shifts with each book I read, movie I watch or song I listen to. I don't think I could ever settle down. (I'd just like a home-base.)

V

So Chef is dead. Isaac Hayes. Age 65.
I saw him once. He played the Jazz Festival in my home town. The only reason why I volunteered to work at that yuppie-infested-destroyer-of-real-jazz festival was because that way I could see him live for free.
I sat in the back with two friends I don't talk to anymore and the one thing that really stuck with me was his banter before one song. Which song? I don't even know anymore. I do remember him repeatedly and slowly closing his hand in a fist & saying, "Phalanges..squeeze- phalanges...squeeze. Say it with me now, 'phalanges squeeze,'" as my friends and I cracked up in the back.
That was a strange weekend of 2005.

IV

Ever puke chocolate and fall asleep for two hours after watching Adam West Batman cartoons around 8am after being up all night?
No, because you're not me. Lucky you.

May 1, 2007
verminous bird
breaking up hard candy
on this brick path
must have such rosy sight
to think it must be
grain to feed screaming babies

they'll live longer
they'll live forever
on a sugar rush

Jan 31, 2008
i spy
see now I kin sees
late nite bus lites
off

kin see them
shade-ee folks
dawdlin on thee steet
but chu don
sees me do
yah

III

On the fourth day of working 9-5, there was no way I was gonna get anything done.

Result:

Real names from corporate jobs

Maggie Flurry, Brent Kobayashi, Blake McHenry, Bonny McLoud
decided I love Mc names- McAlister, McBride, McCabe, McClane, McCool, McCormack, McDermott, McDougle, McElhiney, McEwin, McFarland, McGill, McGinley, McGinnis, McGowan, McKay, McKean, McKenzie, McKinney, McMaster, McMillan, McNair, McNaulty, McNew, McNickle...
Grace Merchant, Doty Middlebrook, Marie Mine, Angela Mong, Mario Murillo, Rebecca Nation
Dreux Nugent is a tool
Brigit O'Brien, Maggie O'Connor, Patrick O'Hara, Pat O'Leary -I love the Irish
Stephen Pavelick, Lauri Petrolli, Tim Pomeroy, Marica Pugsley, Audrey Quackenbush, Maia Rabinov, Rachel Rachel, Les Real, Greg Redekopp, Juergen Rottler, Johnnie Rush, TJ Rzeszotarski, Amy Savage, Marc Schmucker
names can be sentences: James Settles, Sally Shine, Debbie Shotwell
Gay Spivey, Darwin Spring, Jo Stoner
Mary Stumpf- what a dull, blob-like name
Bertha Tamayo, Dhun Tellis, Mary Jane Thome, Looh Ting, Ann Tisthammer, Thomas Trick Sr., Tonya Tucker-Jenkins, Julie Tyger, Ernie Urquhart, Cary Valentine
TonyDan Veenstra- last name like a medication
Lisa Vertue (is a virgin), Raghu Viswanathan
Waltman. Watchmaker.
Janice Waud Loper, Gwen Weld, Leiala Whattoff, Jeff Whynot, Greg Wildman, Rod Wisdom, Buzz Wolf, Nellie Wulzen, Gamon Yaklich & Tammy Zink

After lunch, I made a playlist & stared at the wall a lot.

II

Summer Job

Hi
Katari from Sonoma Learning Systems
You shoulda received Friday5s in inbox on Friday morning
Calling follow-up
Got it yet?
If not, let us know
(email, or phone 7*7-933-388*)
If questions
Can resend email with explanation of process
Robots robots robots robots robots robots robots robots robots robots
robots robots robots robots robots
Robots
Robots robots
Red line robots
Word doesn’t believe in repeats
I’m getting paid to finish projects too quickly
The more projects I finish, the more mindless the projects become
Getting to the back back back burner projects
No one
But me
Has the time to do
& then i sit
wait
brain leakage tired coffee addict
god god god- where does the time go?

I

This isn't my first blog. At this point, I figure that one got eaten by some cyberspace pirates.

For future reference, I Touched The Socket will be an outlet for my artwork, writing, catchphrases, the occasional invention and in all likelihood, brief snippets of my actual life.

Samples.
"He's just so 'earlier than thou-' he's heard of every band, book & movie long before anyone else."

July 28, 2008
I arrived
traveled 700 miles before
you'd opened your crusted eyes
with a head cold
you can taste the ash
the dead skin in the air
who's DNA is that
sinking in your lungs today?

I arrived
crawling into bed
with a water bottle
& glazed eyes
what haunted galaxy
did we crash land in
& return ever-so-safely

I resign
to the fog in my guts
the storm in my head
forgive & forget
the hopeless urges
requests, plans and visions
while we fill our lungs
with your dead

I just started re-reading my little notebook of poems from last year- editing it like I used to edit my middle school diaries. Despite how insane/in love I was last February through, well, August, there're some poems in there that depict those forgotten feelings more sharply and honestly than I'd remembered.
April 17, 2007 (con)sequence
even as we lie here
skin to skin inside out
I can feel the distance
the lack of intimacy
my back arches I think I
will cry in retrospect one
cold morning fetal with no
one to be my blanket

I brush my teeth & still
taste your sour skin
scouring the sweat off
under running water

Well, the sun is setting so I'm going to go for a bike ride.
'Til next time.

-Katari